But apparently not. Instead, Lady Mone decided to jump. To give her time to give some explanation as to how a £203m contract went to a company, PPE Medpro, which specialized in making often useless PPE – it’s unusual USP – and £29m miraculously landed in one of her bank accounts. Nice coincidence if you can do it. I guess Monet was born lucky. For some, the pandemic was the gift that kept on giving. Okay, so many thousands of people died. But why stand on the dark side? Let’s just remember those who were apparently able to make cash. Businessmen with golden access. Instead, our not-so-noble baroness decided to take leave from the House of Lords. Although how you would be able to tell the difference is anyone’s guess. Monet is almost as rare at Westminster as Lord Lebedev. According to official counts, it has been spotted just nine times in the past year. And he hasn’t said a word in over two and a half years. Why bother opening your mouth when you’re only being paid £350 just to appear? It is that rare oxymoron. A silent Monet. Monet’s self-exile came as Labor used a low-key opposition day speech to force the government to hand over all documents relating to the PPE contract. How did he apparently manage to rock it? Maybe the UK should get her to negotiate some of our trade deals. He seems to have the ability. And while they were at it, Labor also wanted to know how it was that the government hadn’t got back any of the £203m it had spent on some rubbish PPE. Just imagine. You find yourself with hundreds of millions of defective dresses. Most normal people would try to send them back. Or request a refund. Or contact the Citizens Advice Bureau. That is not the Tory way. They were hoping against hope that hundreds of millions of headless doctors would appear. They can then use the toilets. Genius. The Tories voted with their feet. There was no way they were going to let their own reputations take a hit in a half-hearted defense of a corrupt government procurement system. Only three backbenchers showed their faces. David Davis only stayed for about 20 minutes. Perhaps he had wandered into the wrong conversation. Kieran Mullan and Stephen Hoare appeared to help the hapless junior health minister, Will Quince, who was tasked with defending the government. Or what passed for it. He owes Mullan and Hoare big time. Most surprisingly, there was no sign of the recently returned Matt Hancock. You might have thought he would have loved to share the exchanges he had with Mone while he was health secretary. After all, they had featured prominently in his newspaper serial of pandemic diaries. Maybe he’s only talking about money these days. Not for his constituents. Angela Rayner opened the discussion with a direct appeal. For answers, clarity and truth. Some hope. Could the Government explain why only Tory contacts had access to the VIP lane? That was easy. Because that was what a VIP lane was all about. The Conservatives wouldn’t go to such lengths to make life easier for the opposition to make money. It was very easy to hang up on whether the PPE was fit for purpose or not. What about the £770,000 a day it was costing the country to stock non-functioning PPE? An absolute bargain. We were still sure that gowns without armholes would go to a country full of amputees. The 4 billion pounds of crap we burned for energy? A vital contribution to the National Grid. If not so green. And how did it happen that PPE Medpro was apparently introduced by a minister five days before the company was even incorporated? Simply. Because the minister was a genius. He could tell they were going to produce some stuff that was a load of crap just by looking at the back of the pack of cigarettes where their offer was written. At one point the vice president had to remind Rayner that he couldn’t mention Monet by name. Or dare to suggest that he might have done anything questionable. Even though everyone seemed to know he had. Only in Westminster. Archie Bland and Nimo Omer take you to the top stories and what they mean, free every weekday morning Privacy Notice: Newsletters may contain information about charities, online advertising and content sponsored by external parties. For more information, see our Privacy Policy. We use Google reCaptcha to protect our website and Google’s Privacy Policy and Terms of Service apply. So the deputy Labor leader appeared to skip several paragraphs of her speech and contented herself with repeating her main points. Just clarify who knew what and who had done what. Most of the strikes could have been settled with the amount of money the government had written off on useless PPE. In response, Quince could only make fun of himself and hope no one was watching. And that his bosses would look kindly on him later. He began by pointing out that the pandemic was urgent. And in such circumstances it was common for the people to look to profit and uproot the country. It was the government’s duty to give PPE Medpro priority access. Because at least that way there was transparency in the process. Both the government and PPE Medpro were apparently useless. In terms of due diligence, everything had been done in accordance with national guidelines. Which specifically stated that all defects in PPE had to be approved. Or something like this. Only 12% of proposals that came through the VIP lane resulted in government contracts. So you can imagine how bad it must have been. Look, said Cydonia. There is no real harm. We are trying to get some money back. But don’t hold your breath. So the Conservatives would stick with any incriminating evidence for now if that was okay. It was so hard to tell that anything had gone wrong with Medpro’s PPE supply, he said. Poor lamb. As he spoke, the Guardian published a second story that Mone had apparently benefited from yet another deal. If only there was an idea…
